This is not a post giving you pointers to how to quiet your mind. There are dozens of such posts on the internet, go search yourself.
How does it feel to have your mind talking continuously? Ever got so bored that you just started doodling on paper? You know, just making your pen go round and round and round. Then you start crisscrossing just because you fudged up the nice circles. And now you are going all over the place, you are striking it off, and you have torn the paper, crumbling it now, throwing it at the bin with furious anger, missing it, stomping all over to the bin, picking it back up, going back to your fucking place, but you just can’t make it and you want to stop, but you can’t. That’s the closest imagery I can think of.
Perhaps it’s this phase I am going through. As you might have seen, I haven’t written much here. I did however scribble here and there on paper, on nights that refused to let me sleep. It seems I am rather concerned about who I am, what I want to become, and what I am doing, in personal and professional life. Currently I am not working, for I resigned from my previous role because there was a job mismatch. I never should have taken the role. There was this gut feeling that something was not quite right. And it did turn out that the role was not what I expected, it would end up being a menial job. Every time I denied my consciousness, this gut feeling, things never worked out properly. From a statistical point of view, it is better to start believing in gut feeling. Wanting to become a logical thinker on the other hand, it does not help to rely on the gut feeling.
Anyway, one month later, I am still jobless, but not to fret, I have a feeling that I’ve been shortlisted for 2 roles, so hopefully, I can take a deep breath by the end of next week. This one month has seen its share of ups and downs. But to be honest, the thing that surprised me was, and still is, that I am rather passive about the whole thing. The only thing that irks me is the endless answering of all the questions these recruiters ask,not to mention the haggling to lower the salary. In one way, it is good because I am not stressing myself out. On the other hand, it’s not good to take everything so easily. It’s like in the movie “About Time” – a simple movie with a great message. To stop stressing and enjoying your life. Well I can’t exactly enjoy because finance is pretty tight at the moment, but once a job is settled, that should clear in two or three months time.
Coming back to my main point, as you can see above itself, my mind is drifting all over the place. Many a times, I found myself day dreaming, making grand plans, and ignoring the present. This is particularly frustrating while trying to study. The technical nature of my job require at most attention, and there are a lot of tiny detail involved. Another reason is the amount of distraction I am getting. I removed facebook, but even then, I find myself peeking at my phone, expecting a message and don’t know what. I don’t even have a girlfriend damnit. I seriously want to remove whatsapp, but this is my only point of connection to friends and family, so there’s that.
Routine. This is another thing that I have trouble fixing. If I have an interview in the morning, I am up and about running around, after spending a night tossing and turning around, worried whether I would wake up in time. Talk about irony. If I plan on waking up early and study in the morning, I would end up finding very interesting videos in youtube the night before, eventually sleeping around 2 or 3 in the morning, making waking up early near to impossible. One of my grand plans involve waking up in the morning and going for a run regularly. Now that I am not working this might seem like a distant dream, but getting a regular office hour work should fix this.
Another thing I noticed is that, again, like above, I talk a lot about what I would do. This is something I need to address. The only reason I am writing it here is because in case I still keep the habit, I want this to be a reminder to myself( screw you future Praveen, if you are reading and you haven’t). Learning guitar, cooking, a foreign language( french or german), driving. These are the things in pipeline, if you are curious to know what these grand plans are.
To be honest, long term goals never really work out. Perhaps I lack the patience. But this is not the Praveen I remember from my childhood. Somewhere while growing up, that steely resolve, that curiosity that kept the fire, that spirit is missing. After a lot of introspection, I think I have found out the reason. I stopped listening to myself and started listening to others. I found myself comparing my life to others. I envied their lives, blamed everything including me for the life I was having. Is my life horrible? Of course not. I have a loving family, had great friends, have a good career(had for now). By right, I should be happy,right? This comparison, this, this – I don’t even have a word for it, you see. This frame of mind is not exactly positive. I am challenging this attitude now, I want the old Praveen back. The one who laughed a lot, the one who read a lot, the one who wrote a lot. I am bringing sexy back.(Side note- I found this phrase the other day while watching this seriously funny standup – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-YHuPKNQ_c&t=230s. Gotta love Aisling Bea. Seriously, check it out.)
On further introspection, I found that being myself is what have worked out in my favour throughout the years. Granted, an occasional interesting party(internal monologue- potential girlfriend) might have been turned away, but if they turned away, they wouldn’t end up being us with anyway right? But this doesn’t mean being selfish or pushing everyone away. I was spending time with friends, yet I found time to spend on me own. Perhaps it’s about balance. Another curious , but nonetheless not surprising thing was that, being busy was the best way I enjoyed myself. Inaction made me lazier. The more time you spent home, the longer the nights get, the longer the crazy thoughts persist. Have things to do. If you got nothing to do, find new things. Or get out and do the next level for the things you love. Go to a different part of the city or town. Try out a new food. Call someone you haven’t spoken to for some time. Do something different, something that you makes your body move, if it makes you perspire, all the better. We are still descendants of the great hunters. Idling is not our default mode.
Long story short, please get out of the house more, spend less time on phone(unless you are calling someone). Make coffee, and most important of all, look at the big picture, and relax. Your life is only your own, be the captain, don’t let others point your way or steer your ship.