Lateral Perspectives

The huge world inside a tiny head

Archive for the tag “acquintances”

Rekha

Rekha. No, Rekhachechi.

A name that had started to fade somewhere along the back of the mind, catapulted to the front now. Pictures come running through the mind as if someone has put a flashback on.

With both hands her in her pockets, the image of someone walking on yellow tiles that smells of disinfectants, here pristine white coat covering her bright saree with colorful designs.

With wide eyes and a mischievous smile, she would come around to look for me, if she knew I was around. Did she have dimples in her cheek, and  a touch of sandalwood streak on here forehead?  I cant remember. Come to think of it, I don’t even have a picture of her at home, and a fuzzy remembrance of how her face looked.  The only thing that I do remember with clarity was the love with which she would call out my name. I may even have forgotten the voice, but the love remains etched, like the birthday card greetings that she have left behind, which are still kept in a little box in one of the shelf.

Now you might be wondering, what this is about. This is about Rekha. She used to work with my mom in a hospital. Chechi is a term of endearment and respect, that which one calls and elder sister. Much like Akka in Tamil or Didi in Hindi. I was very little then, probably around 10-12 years old. Even back then her name piqued curiosity. It felt unique, and even now, I haven’t met anyone with her name. Her name means “A line”. Simple enough, but may have different interpretations.  A mathematical line, or a line that’s supposed to be drawn on the head,which also denotes faith, or it could even be a ray of sunlight.

I remember going to her wedding along with my mom. I remember being adamant that we should not be going empty handed and having wanted to give the gift myself. If memory serves me correct, it was a small miniature of a wedding couple with Happy Married Life or something written on the bottom. Hers was the first of the only two Hindu wedding that I have taken part in. I remember talking non stop about the taste of  food we had. It is one the tastiest vegetarian food I’ve ever had.

She left the hospital after her wedding. Mom moved to another clinic. I saw her many years later. She had a vegetable store, and lived in a flat above it. She looked completely different. Married, working and with a kid, she looked older. We caught her in the middle of work. She looked flustered, yet happy to see us. The hair was dishevelled, the face starting to show wrinkles, signs that she had left her youth far behind. The remnants of a mischievous smile still playing on her lips, surviving, somehow.

Why did I think of her now? Come to think of it, how many Rekhachechi’s are there in my life? For some reason, I find myself reluctant to think about it. Is it a sin to forget people whom we once loved and respected, but had moved out of our lives long back, slowly faded out?

Yet, there is a strange feeling of happiness for having though of her now. At least I have thought about her, written her down, and through this, some years in the future, I might return to read this, only to remember a lovely voice calling out my name dearly.

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Being Selfish

Sometimes, I do wonder  why is it that we cannot be selfish. Or in my case, why the heck can’t I be selfish?  Up till I when I turned 24, which was last year, I was pretty selfless. I was the good guy, the polite person, the person who never said  “No” to a request for help. I felt that I was obliged to help, that it is my moral duty to be concerned about the lives of others.  I felt good. I was the good agnostic Samaritan.

I did not help in the belief that I would be rewarded for my behaviour.  But then again, life did not return any favors to me. I often helped and went out of my way for friends, even people I barely knew. The days after those where usually hard for me.

Most of the time I would turn to someone else for helping others, and in the end, I would be the one who couldn’t sleep at night thinking about what I owe to others. I would be the one who  would kept waiting and apologize endlessly if I were the one to turn up late. I  was the one who would initiate conversations because I thought it was me who should talk. I would be the one who would remember the birthdays, the one to call and care for others.

I’m not whining. No, strike that. This is my blog, I do whatever the hell I want. I am whining. I am sick and tired of people who takes me for granted. Man up! Grow some balls, you might say. Fuck you too. Some stuff are drilled deep down since childhood and its not easy to pluck them apart. Especially when your parents taught and still practises those.

All through my childhood, I saw my parents always helping others. They would worry themselves sick thinking about others. All said and done, they were pretty much left alone when the other parties came out of their troubles and got comfortable. I have seen the disappointment in their eyes when talking about someone. Now,there are few exceptional people in their lives who turned out to be dark horses, and gave much happiness to my parents. I always recall them fondly. And because of these few fellows, my parents are still selfless, maybe a bit less now, now that they had a whole lifetime to see how things turn out, and now chooses people after much consideration.  I really admire those who are still selfless, however, I have witnessed how the lives of very such people deteriorate in front of my own eyes.

Amidst the close  and general friends, there lies a section of people whom we hold a little closer to our hearts, yet lets you down almost every time.Sometimes I am really confused. Am I right in expecting something from them? Doesn’t that make whatever I do selfish?

But then aren’t they selfish too? Then, does that make the relationships merely fake? Is it worth keeping these so called friendships alive? Are we just adjusting ourselves, taking advantage of whatever the other person has to offer, enjoying the brief time, and then move with a glance back occasionally, as if to give out the sense that we will be present in hard times?

Maybe we ought to be more selective to whom we give our time, right? Give it to the right people, who expresses gratitude and won’t take us for granted. However, truth is that sometimes they may not be the company that we want. How confusing is it that the people that we love and hold dear are sometimes very selfish? Does that mean I don’t want their company? No! I like being around them except when they are not selfish. But then that would make us selfish!

Sounds confusing, doesn’t it? Either because it actually is confusing, or because I am writing this at 4:30 AM in the morning, Singapore time, after watching 2 movies back to back.

Sometimes I think, fuck these people, I am going to live the way I want, and not care about the little shits. A day later, I will be feeling super guilty, usually.

Maybe, just maybe, once I get married (*audience laughs*), and “settles down” (*laughs again*) I might have a set of friends on whom I don’t rely too much, but enjoy their company as well.  Most probably that might end up being  the neighbours and my cousins.

All these thoughts actually makes me think of the people, who do actually care for me. My immediate family of course, and then there are some dudes back from my high school- dudes who kept the promises they jokingly wrote on the autograph books,  few neighbours, who still gives a shit about me and wonders whether I got fat(which means better in my case), and lovingly advises that my glorious mane looks ugly as fuck.  I absolutely adore these guys.

Wonder if I will find more such people in the days to come.

Ending this scribble with some dialogues  from one of the most beautiful,perfect movie of all time, Predestination.Which  came into my mind for no particular reason, yet somehow, these seems to be a fitting ending for this rant.

✘ Predestination (2014) | #Predestination . . .
#MovieQuote #MovieQuotes #Movies #Films #Like4Like #Quote #Quotes #EthanHawke #SarahSnook #NoahTaylor #MadeleineWestImage result for predestination movie quotesImage result for predestination movie quotes

 

 

 

 

 

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