Sometimes, I do wonder why is it that we cannot be selfish. Or in my case, why the heck can’t I be selfish? Up till I when I turned 24, which was last year, I was pretty selfless. I was the good guy, the polite person, the person who never said “No” to a request for help. I felt that I was obliged to help, that it is my moral duty to be concerned about the lives of others. I felt good. I was the good agnostic Samaritan.
I did not help in the belief that I would be rewarded for my behaviour. But then again, life did not return any favors to me. I often helped and went out of my way for friends, even people I barely knew. The days after those where usually hard for me.
Most of the time I would turn to someone else for helping others, and in the end, I would be the one who couldn’t sleep at night thinking about what I owe to others. I would be the one who would kept waiting and apologize endlessly if I were the one to turn up late. I was the one who would initiate conversations because I thought it was me who should talk. I would be the one who would remember the birthdays, the one to call and care for others.
I’m not whining. No, strike that. This is my blog, I do whatever the hell I want. I am whining. I am sick and tired of people who takes me for granted. Man up! Grow some balls, you might say. Fuck you too. Some stuff are drilled deep down since childhood and its not easy to pluck them apart. Especially when your parents taught and still practises those.
All through my childhood, I saw my parents always helping others. They would worry themselves sick thinking about others. All said and done, they were pretty much left alone when the other parties came out of their troubles and got comfortable. I have seen the disappointment in their eyes when talking about someone. Now,there are few exceptional people in their lives who turned out to be dark horses, and gave much happiness to my parents. I always recall them fondly. And because of these few fellows, my parents are still selfless, maybe a bit less now, now that they had a whole lifetime to see how things turn out, and now chooses people after much consideration. I really admire those who are still selfless, however, I have witnessed how the lives of very such people deteriorate in front of my own eyes.
Amidst the close and general friends, there lies a section of people whom we hold a little closer to our hearts, yet lets you down almost every time.Sometimes I am really confused. Am I right in expecting something from them? Doesn’t that make whatever I do selfish?
But then aren’t they selfish too? Then, does that make the relationships merely fake? Is it worth keeping these so called friendships alive? Are we just adjusting ourselves, taking advantage of whatever the other person has to offer, enjoying the brief time, and then move with a glance back occasionally, as if to give out the sense that we will be present in hard times?
Maybe we ought to be more selective to whom we give our time, right? Give it to the right people, who expresses gratitude and won’t take us for granted. However, truth is that sometimes they may not be the company that we want. How confusing is it that the people that we love and hold dear are sometimes very selfish? Does that mean I don’t want their company? No! I like being around them except when they are not selfish. But then that would make us selfish!
Sounds confusing, doesn’t it? Either because it actually is confusing, or because I am writing this at 4:30 AM in the morning, Singapore time, after watching 2 movies back to back.
Sometimes I think, fuck these people, I am going to live the way I want, and not care about the little shits. A day later, I will be feeling super guilty, usually.
Maybe, just maybe, once I get married (*audience laughs*), and “settles down” (*laughs again*) I might have a set of friends on whom I don’t rely too much, but enjoy their company as well. Most probably that might end up being the neighbours and my cousins.
All these thoughts actually makes me think of the people, who do actually care for me. My immediate family of course, and then there are some dudes back from my high school- dudes who kept the promises they jokingly wrote on the autograph books, few neighbours, who still gives a shit about me and wonders whether I got fat(which means better in my case), and lovingly advises that my glorious mane looks ugly as fuck. I absolutely adore these guys.
Wonder if I will find more such people in the days to come.
Ending this scribble with some dialogues from one of the most beautiful,perfect movie of all time, Predestination.Which came into my mind for no particular reason, yet somehow, these seems to be a fitting ending for this rant.